equilibrium

equilibrium
whether it exists or not is not known
but it does not matter
even equilibriium is only just a state
a form of existence
thus it does not matter
...no, that is again under the premise that everything has equal worth
what is worth?
what makes something worthy?
it is just a concept again
worth is an idea
just like equilibrium
and though the existence outside our walls is unknown to us
the essence of it is pure
this idea can diffuse into our universe
the idea of equilibrium
it is my premise
everything has equal "worth"
nothing is "better" than anything else
it does not matter what exists
it does not matter whether it exists or not in the first place
nothing matters
everything is equal
but this is just my premise
with this premise, i am doomed
there is nothing for me to achieve
i am indifferent to everything
life
death
existence
my animalistic instincts drive me to live
they are not indifferent to life
but even that does not matter
indifference itself does not matter
whether i am indifferent to everything or not does not matter
even if i were to deny everything i just built up
it would not matter
not in my universe
whatever exists
it would be just as "good" as anything else
my instincts exist because there was the chance that they existed
just by chance
i ask: why should they not exist?
would this not be just as curious?
although with my premise, indifference is the logical conclusion
it does not matter
if cosmic spirit exists
it exists
everything is just as it is
what exists does not matter
if it exists does not matter
this is my world
everything is gray and formless in my world
form itself loses its meaning
because it just does not matter anymore
even when this world seems to be built up on decisions
things contradicting the equilibrium
these things itself
their existence
their essence
do not matter
if they did not exist it would be just as meaningless
why shouldn't they exist?
it makes no difference
because there is no difference that can be made
whatever is
whatever exists or not
everything has equal worth
everything
eternally

so, what would happen if i dropped my premise?
then something "better" would exist
a thing or a choice which bears more worth
but as worth itself is a term that has seemingly no relevance in this world
as it is a concept exclusively made up by the human mind
it becomes difficult to judge "worth"
in one's own universe it is possible
but then i would have to ask again what my own universe would matter
i could create an answer just for myself
the correct answer for my universe
which would work inside my walls
but is there any meaning to it?
does it really make a difference?
what is the difference of living with an answer
a purpose
and never living in the first place?
why bother with this tiresome search
which right now seems so fruitless
if there is no greater meaning to it?
...again, my thoughts lead me to my premise
i cannot escape it
it haunts me
i am soaked in the essence of this premise
even if i try to find alternatives
even if i try to leave it behind
...i cannot escape
this premise leads me to the greatest freedom conceivable
an eternal freedom in which nothing matters
an existence completely free of restrictions
but i am indifferent even to this life
nothing can warm me
i am cold