distortion

i am alone
the fortress of my mind is protecting me
unable to grasp even my basic structures
i cannot comprehend the idea of other autonomous minds
all i see are pictures in my head
idealized pictures of the essence of spirits
just an illusion
and a bad replica of reality
but as i master my own universe
noone else can trespass it
or share it with me
all they can do is project their image into my universe
as i can only project my image into their's
all i have are the illusions
and sometimes i forget they are just illusions
projections
and i induldge in the stories and adventures that occur
but only until it comes upon me
the one truth that forever will haunt me
and from which i cannot escape
they are not real
maybe they exist in some sphere of existence
but my universe is devoid of life
and only full of projections
i am alone
but that does not mean that my universe is empty
there is no life in it
beside my own, which escapes my grasp
but it is full of essence
even if this essence is far away from "objective reality"
it does not matter
there is no objective reality for me
i only have my universe
and everything in it is real
it is the essence of the ideals and projections i have
and the essence of everything i can sense
the essence of every idea
and the essence of every facet of existence
this essence forms my universe
its content

my question is: what am i supposed to do?
what meaning is there to anything?
i try to find the answer with all my heart
but in this universe only made of essence
everything is distorted
i myself distort everything the moment it enters my world
i can find every explanation in my universe
but as soon as i try to go beyond the walls of consciousness
to find my own meaning
the meaning of my existence and existence itself
it fails
i can only be within these walls
and within them all i can find is distorted essence
i am bound in this existence without meaning
and without any possibility of ever fulfilling my dearest wish
in my universe everything has form
but everything is of equal worth
however i twist the essence
its worth remains the same to me
even if i eliminate everything
even if i wander alone in the dark spheres of my world
there is not even a slight change in its value
this existence is void for me
as long as i exist and distort the essence of reality
i can only mourn
mourn
for eternity