tranquility

god me
awoken
the spirits from within
the true divine self
arose
soared above the limits of existence
with it comes ultimate tranquility
the purest peace of mind
the purest tranquility one could possible imagine
it is the true self
and the true being
the true self of everything
it is the true spirit
and the true essence of existence
it is the ultimate clearest essence
it is the essence
neither hapiness nor unhapiness exist
neither delight nor pain
everything melting into this one tranquility
the condensation of everything
above the cosmic power
even the cosmic power is just a fraction, an aspect of this tranquility
it is eternal
and limitless
even time cannot erode its fundaments
just one moment
just for one moment the fog lifts
just for one moment i can truly grasp this tranquility
i yearn for it
this is the most desirable thing
it is the only thing
this is my fulfillment
this is
tranquility

die

everything is centered around decay
everything
we all wait for our demise
this is our story
the story of our demise
this is the story of existence itself
doomed
DIE
DIE
DIE
DIE
DIE
DIE
DIE
DIE
DIE
DIE
DIE
DIE
DIE
in the end you die
everything dies
until everything is dead the cycle goes on
everything must die
it doesn't matter if it had lived before
in the end everything must be dead
life is so fragile
a precious thing which has to stem against its own demise to hold out
but in the end it loses
and in the short timespan it exists
the only thing it can really achieve
is to recognize this as the only thing it is truly capable of
to die
it exists to exist and then die
death
death
death
it does not matter at all
it does not matter
life and death do not matter
it is just everything for us
death
whether now or later
we die
everything around us withers
slowly but steadily
in the meantime we wait for it
may it be a long or a short time
just waiting to die
this is everything
DIE
DIE
DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE

flow

every day is empty and void
everything i do is empty and void
everything i can do is empty and void
as meaningless as everything else
and as meaningless as not doing anything at all
everything
everything
every decision
and even the act of deciding itself
and yet i live
i live
i exist
every moment is a decision
why
why
why
what
why do i have to decide?
what am i to decide?
every moment is a step towards my decay
i do not yearn for it
as it is as meaningless as everything else
life and death
existence and non-existence
both are equally meaningless and void
either something exists
or nothing exists
in this case something exists
and i exist
every moment is a new decision
i am forced to decide
every moment
no one is to rest
no
we cannot rest
we can only decide to rest
and decide to keep resting
we must decide
we must
the future is white and formless
an ethereal mist of eternity
eternal grey
grey and bleak is this world
you can look at it through pink glasses
but it only changes your perception of the world
it does not change the world itself
whatever we do
whatever there might be
void
eternally

decisions

what is my purpose?
what am i supposed to do?
right now i exist
every moment is a decision
even if it just involves changing nothing
every moment is a decision
even if it leads to my own destruction
even if that decision is to lay in a corner and wait for my demise
every moment is a decision
and if it is just to keep lying
and keep waiting
every moment
but as everything has equal worth in my universe
it does not matter what i do
what decision i make
i am tired of making decisions
but even the decision to end this state where decisions are inevitable
is a decision
the last decision
i do not want to make ANY decision
i do not want to decide
i do not care what exists
i do not care about anything
everything is meaningless and equally worthless (or meaningful and worthy, these terms lose their meaning
as there is no "worth" in my world)
every decision
what am i to decide?
right now
what am i to do?
only my instincts decide
it does not matter
i could try to act against my instincts
it does not matter
why does a state exist in which decisions must be made?
no... why should it not exist?
both are equally meaningless
everything
every possible outcome
every possible state
every possible form
equal
worthless
meaningless

equilibrium

equilibrium
whether it exists or not is not known
but it does not matter
even equilibriium is only just a state
a form of existence
thus it does not matter
...no, that is again under the premise that everything has equal worth
what is worth?
what makes something worthy?
it is just a concept again
worth is an idea
just like equilibrium
and though the existence outside our walls is unknown to us
the essence of it is pure
this idea can diffuse into our universe
the idea of equilibrium
it is my premise
everything has equal "worth"
nothing is "better" than anything else
it does not matter what exists
it does not matter whether it exists or not in the first place
nothing matters
everything is equal
but this is just my premise
with this premise, i am doomed
there is nothing for me to achieve
i am indifferent to everything
life
death
existence
my animalistic instincts drive me to live
they are not indifferent to life
but even that does not matter
indifference itself does not matter
whether i am indifferent to everything or not does not matter
even if i were to deny everything i just built up
it would not matter
not in my universe
whatever exists
it would be just as "good" as anything else
my instincts exist because there was the chance that they existed
just by chance
i ask: why should they not exist?
would this not be just as curious?
although with my premise, indifference is the logical conclusion
it does not matter
if cosmic spirit exists
it exists
everything is just as it is
what exists does not matter
if it exists does not matter
this is my world
everything is gray and formless in my world
form itself loses its meaning
because it just does not matter anymore
even when this world seems to be built up on decisions
things contradicting the equilibrium
these things itself
their existence
their essence
do not matter
if they did not exist it would be just as meaningless
why shouldn't they exist?
it makes no difference
because there is no difference that can be made
whatever is
whatever exists or not
everything has equal worth
everything
eternally

so, what would happen if i dropped my premise?
then something "better" would exist
a thing or a choice which bears more worth
but as worth itself is a term that has seemingly no relevance in this world
as it is a concept exclusively made up by the human mind
it becomes difficult to judge "worth"
in one's own universe it is possible
but then i would have to ask again what my own universe would matter
i could create an answer just for myself
the correct answer for my universe
which would work inside my walls
but is there any meaning to it?
does it really make a difference?
what is the difference of living with an answer
a purpose
and never living in the first place?
why bother with this tiresome search
which right now seems so fruitless
if there is no greater meaning to it?
...again, my thoughts lead me to my premise
i cannot escape it
it haunts me
i am soaked in the essence of this premise
even if i try to find alternatives
even if i try to leave it behind
...i cannot escape
this premise leads me to the greatest freedom conceivable
an eternal freedom in which nothing matters
an existence completely free of restrictions
but i am indifferent even to this life
nothing can warm me
i am cold

emotion & premise

i feel emotion
and desire
but it is nothing to me
nothing but the expressed way of the flesh
animalistic instincts
an expression of the cosmic spirit
the cosmic spirit to grow and spread
just one of the endless possibilities
these emotions may only be such a tool
but one cannot deny their essence
their essence is as real and honest as anything
their essence is true
while emotions themselves are meaningless expressions of the cosmic spirit
given unto us through the flesh
the essence of these emotions remain pure and untainted
i wonder about these emotions
no
i wonder about the essence of these emotions
emotions are nothing to me
meaningless and void
but the essence of them is miraculous
and since i cannot grasp the very idea of myself
as long as i cannot grasp myself
as long as the mist inside my own universe prevents me from seeing it all
the big picture
my world as a whole
which is me
until then i cannot estimate the value and spirit of these essences
emotions only lead to other meaningless and void things
but where does their essence lead to?
cloudy and hidden are their ways
because everything indulges in emotions
but nothing indulges in the essence of emotion
it is too pure for us to conceive
an idea
an ideal
we are only to look at them
and project them into our universes
as an idea
and an ideal
but we cannot reach them
as they enter our minds
the essence becomes tainted
we distort it
twist it
a hollow shell of an ideal
one would have to able to reach not only the twisted projection
but the essence itself
but as we are prisoners inside our own walls of consciousness
it is impossible

the answer.........
no
no it cannot be

are the walls of our consciousness really unbreakable?
if they are not, everything becomes possible
what is consciousness?
consciousness itself is an idea which is distorted the moment it enters our minds
that means although it defines us
we cannot grasp it
that means every statement about it must not inevitably be true
but what is true?
it is nothing we can scale
as we are inside our walls
this is our curse
but it might also be our chance
the unshakable walls might cave in
to us they are immortal
but we distort it
that means either our universe is the only possible one
then it does not matter as it would be the ultimate frontier of existence
but if our own universe does not mark the ultimate border
then it might be possible
yes
yes
what if one creates a universe
in which the walls are not unbreakable in the first place?
could such a universe exist?
then where does consciousness begin?
what is the essence of consciousness?
a rock exists
without a consciousness
bacteria exist
just proteins and DNA
things created by chance
things which proliferate by chance
it is just their existence
like a rock
what are we??
where does a consciousness start?
we are just a macro-molecule
but we create universes
does a rock create a universe?
if existence is one coherent state
then everything should come to ONE THING
one thing which connects everything
an idea
a state
something
if our own minds were the ultimate frontier
then we would be eternal
what is eternal?
no
why should we be eternal?
it does not matter
it does not matter because of the ultimate equilibrium
nothing is better than anything
then why
why
why
why
why
why
why
why
why are we searching for that thing?
even if it exists
the one point in existence itself which contains the essence of everything
and which connects everything
why
why
why
even if we were to be immortal
what would change?
but no
we are distorting everything
no
what is distortion??
the essence does not yield
the distorted essence becomes a new essence
and the new essence is as real as the old one
nothing should be better than anything else
reality is a concept
an ideal itself
why
why
why
why
why
we are searching for the ultimate answer
because it is the essence of the cosmic spirit
but the cosmic spirit itself is...
no
i am spinning in circles
my premise is equilibrium exists
that is why everything i think about spins in circles
equilibrium... a concept
an idea
an ideal
as long as i hold this premise
all i can do is spin in circles

i will have to think about that
and think about this premise
and equilibrium

distortion

i am alone
the fortress of my mind is protecting me
unable to grasp even my basic structures
i cannot comprehend the idea of other autonomous minds
all i see are pictures in my head
idealized pictures of the essence of spirits
just an illusion
and a bad replica of reality
but as i master my own universe
noone else can trespass it
or share it with me
all they can do is project their image into my universe
as i can only project my image into their's
all i have are the illusions
and sometimes i forget they are just illusions
projections
and i induldge in the stories and adventures that occur
but only until it comes upon me
the one truth that forever will haunt me
and from which i cannot escape
they are not real
maybe they exist in some sphere of existence
but my universe is devoid of life
and only full of projections
i am alone
but that does not mean that my universe is empty
there is no life in it
beside my own, which escapes my grasp
but it is full of essence
even if this essence is far away from "objective reality"
it does not matter
there is no objective reality for me
i only have my universe
and everything in it is real
it is the essence of the ideals and projections i have
and the essence of everything i can sense
the essence of every idea
and the essence of every facet of existence
this essence forms my universe
its content

my question is: what am i supposed to do?
what meaning is there to anything?
i try to find the answer with all my heart
but in this universe only made of essence
everything is distorted
i myself distort everything the moment it enters my world
i can find every explanation in my universe
but as soon as i try to go beyond the walls of consciousness
to find my own meaning
the meaning of my existence and existence itself
it fails
i can only be within these walls
and within them all i can find is distorted essence
i am bound in this existence without meaning
and without any possibility of ever fulfilling my dearest wish
in my universe everything has form
but everything is of equal worth
however i twist the essence
its worth remains the same to me
even if i eliminate everything
even if i wander alone in the dark spheres of my world
there is not even a slight change in its value
this existence is void for me
as long as i exist and distort the essence of reality
i can only mourn
mourn
for eternity

frontier

so close
so close before death
this body is so feeble
feeble and weak
almost no effort is needed to crush a body
almost no effort is needed to forcefully crush a life
it might just happen in the next second
every breath we take might just be the last
we are frail and fragile
just a tiny effort to end life
always walking close to the endless chasm of death
just a strong breeze might be enough for us to stumble into the nothingness
does it change anything?
if one dies or not?
or does it even change anything if one is born?
moving forms made up of the cosmical energy
does it matter which form we take?
it is just the cosmical energy spreading freely
and of the endless possible forms
we are just one possibility
it is nothing special
it is just by chance
the gestalt we have does not matter
but does it even matter if it exists at all?
why?
why?
why?
WHY WHY WHY???
what makes existing better than not existing?
what?
either there is something or there is nothing
if there is something it must have a form
some form
any form
it does not matter
it is there so it exists
but it is just one possibility
why is one possibility better than any other?
why should there be something that is "better" in the first place?
what makes it "better"?
what makes it more meaningful?
isn't meaning just a concept created by the cosmic spirit?
but the cosmic spirit is just one of the endless possibilities
yet it denies its own true fate
we are or we are not
in the end it does not matter
it is just as it is

it

Within me
within these boundaries of consciousness
these boundaries i cannot see or feel
the boundaries that contain me
whatever form it may have
invisible to me
and eternal
nothing can breach them
forever i will be i, and it will be my universe
these boundaries are eternal
within these boundaries there is a great storm
a storm which devastates everything and brings havoc to everyone
stirred by the one thing that is as eternal as the walls which contain it
the immortal force of doubt
no, nothing in these boundaries is to rest
nor will there ever be peace
even if everything else has already withered
and even if the sun in this world has already shed its last, gloomy light on this hidden soil
even after the last moments of the dying sun
this place cannot rest in peace
this is the fate of everything living in this world
for everything in this world is to die eventually
if the doubt is a storm
then fate is a slow, spreading plague
nothing can withstand it
and if everything within the consciousness walls dies
if there is nothing left to register the limits of its own existence
if there is no existence left to be aware of the walls
and nothing which can be contained
then even these walls will disperse
nothing is made for eternity

creation, decay, destruction
whatever there may be, it is part of that cycle
the force of decay is called time
this force is invincible
and merciless
every moment its arms reach closer to everything
until there is nothing left
time is the pallbearer of existence
what is an existence worth that only waits for its destruction?
this existence offers endless possibilities
but one thing is impossible
to escape its own destruction
one may be a king to rule over 1000 universes
even this king will die
he will vanish from this existence
what is the difference of dying and never living in the first place?
what difference does it make?
our flesh desires life and existence
it desires undirected evolution
spreading
living
existing
everything spreads
but in the end everything we build will decay
and a time will come when even the last traces of life will have vanished
it will be as if we never existed
why does this force of life drive us forward?
a state far away from equilibrium
it drives us further
to spread
live
exist
if destruction is our fate
what is the difference of dying now or later?
in the end everything will be the same
walking puppets of flesh
we build castles out of sand
but the adamantal pulse of time will wash it away
everything
everything
eternally

I

i breathe


what does it mean?
does it mean i live?
then does living mean just to breathe?
i breathe yet i do not live
i breathe because i was born to breathe
it was my gift and my curse to breathe
i am forced to breathe
i will breathe as long as this rotting piece of flesh prevails
what is this piece of flesh?
is this me?
is it me i see in the reflections on the water?
all i see is a piece of flesh
it must know its fate
it waits just to rot
this is all it can do
yet it was forced to wait for its decay
it is the heir of the gift and the curse of life
i cannot change the ways of fate
as certainly as i cannot change the way of the flesh
and so it keeps waiting
second for second
until finally the curse is lifted
the curse called life
it just bears this existence
this existence which was doomed from the start
it was created to decay
and yet it denies its fate
and until the last moment it breathes

so
hexed by the curse of my existence
i wait
and i bear
as it is everything this rotting meat of me is able to do
i do not know if it is me
and until then all i can do is look at my reflection
and wonder about this strange crimson prison
which breathes
yet does not live

What is this?

This blog contains written outflow of my spirit
it holds no special meaning yet is it everything to me
as i am the master of my own universe

some might gain nothing from reading the excerpts of my inner core
and some might even be vexed for they think nothing of it and are irritated
yes, you may even think everything i say has already been said
i will not deny it
maybe my scripts contain childish images and words
and maybe you feel superior reading it
because my poems seem so dull and naive
you are the master of your own universe
you value everything in it and this might be worth nothing to you
so be it
these poems are just for myself
because this is my universe
i am the creator
and i am its master